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WELCOME TO THE
HUMOUR PAGE |
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ON THE LIGHTER SIDE (December
19,
2006) |
Life
Explained......
On the first day God created the cow. God said, "You must go to
the field
with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves
and give
milk to support the farmer. I will give you a life span of
sixty years."
The cow said, "That's a kind of a tough life you want me to
live for sixty
years. Let me have twenty years and I'll give back the other
forty."
And God agreed.
On the second day, God created the dog. God said, "Sit all day
by the door
of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. I
will give
you a life span of twenty years."
The dog said, "That's too long to be barking. Give me ten years
and I'll
give back the other ten."
So God agreed (sigh).
On the third day God created the monkey. God said, "Entertain
people, do
monkey tricks, make them laugh. I'll give you a twenty year life
span."
Monkey said, "How boring, monkey tricks for twenty years? I
don't think so.
Dog gave you back ten, so that's what I'll do too, okay?"
And God agreed again.
On the fourth day God created man. God said, "Eat, sleep, play,
and
enjoy. Do nothing, just enjoy, enjoy, enjoy. I'll give you
twenty years."
Man said, "What? Only twenty years? No way, man. Tell you what,
I'll take my
twenty, and the forty cow gave back, and the ten dog gave back and
the ten
monkey gave back. That makes eighty, okay?"
"Okay," said God. "You've got a deal."
So that is why for the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play,
enjoy, and do nothing; for the next forty years we slave in the sun
to
support our family; for the next ten years we do monkey tricks to
entertain
our grandchildren; and for the last ten years we sit in front of the
house
and bark at everybody. |
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ON THE LIGHTER SIDE (December
12,
2006) |
The Hotel
Bill....
Next time you think your hotel bill is too high, you might
want to use this logic...
A husband and wife are traveling by car from Key West to
Boston. After almost twenty-four hours on the road, they're
too tired to continue, and they decide to stop for a
rest.
They stop at a nice hotel and take a room, but they only plan
to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road. When
they checked out four hours later, the desk clerk hands them a
bill for $350.
The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so
high. He tells the clerk although it's a nice hotel, the
rooms certainly aren't worth $350. When the clerk tells
him $350 is the standard rate, the man insists on speaking to
the Manager.
The Manager appears, listens to the man, and then explains
that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference
center that were available for the husband and wife to
use.
"But we didn't use them", the man complains.
"Well, they are here, and you could have," explains
the Manager. He goes on to explain they could have taken in
one of the shows for which the hotel is famous.
"The best entertainers from New York, Hollywood and Las
Vegas performhere," the Manager says.
"But we didn't go to any of those shows," complains
the man again.
"Well, we have them, and you could have", the
Manager replies..No matter what facility the Manager mentions,
the man replies, "But we didn't use it!"
The Manager is unmoved, and eventually the man gives up and
agrees to pay. He writes a check and gives it to the
Manager. The Manager is surprised when he looks at the check.
"But sir," he says, "this check is only made
out for $50."
"That's right," says the man. "I charged you
$300 for sleeping with my wife."
"But I didn't!" exclaims the Manager.
" Well," the man replies, "she was here, and
you could have."'
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Fifteen New
Regulations in the Registry of
Motor Vehicle's 2006 Handbook
1. Turn signals will give away your next move. A
confident Massachusetts driver avoids using them.
2. Under no circumstance should you maintain a safe distance between
you and the car in front of you, because the space will be filled in
by somebody else, putting you in an even more dangerous situation.
3. The faster you drive through a red light, the less of a chance
you have of getting hit.
4. Warning! Never come to a complete stop at a stop sign. No one
expects it and it will result in your being rear-ended.
5. Never get in the way of an older car that needs extensive
bodywork, especially with NH plates. With no insurance, the other
operator has nothing to lose.
6. Braking is to be done as hard and late as possible to ensure that
your ABS kicks in, giving a vigorous, foot massage as the brake
pedal violently pulsates. For those of you without ABS, it's a
chance to strengthen your leg muscles.
7. Never pass on the left when you can pass on the right. It's a
good way to prepare other drivers entering the highway.
8. Speed limits are arbitrary figures; given only as a suggestion
and are not enforceable in
Massachusetts during rush hour.
9. Just because you're in the left lane and have no room to speed up
or move over doesn't mean that a Massachusetts driver flashing his
high beams behind you doesn't think he can go faster in your spot.
10. Always brake and rubberneck when you see an accident or even
someone changing a tire. This is seen as a sign of respect for the
victim.
11. Learn to swerve abruptly without signaling. Massachusetts is the
home of high-speed
slalom-driving along the Route 128 Speedway; thanks to the
Department of Public Works, which puts pot-holes in key locations to
test drivers' reflexes and keep them alert.
12. It is traditional in Massachusetts to honk your horn at cars in
front of you that do not
move three milliseconds after the light turns green.
13. To avoid injury in the event of a collision or rollover, it is
important to exit your vehicle thru the windshield right away.
Wearing your seat belt will only impede your hi-velocity escape from
danger.
14. Remember that the goal of every Massachusetts driver is to get
ahead of the pack by whatever means necessary.
15. In Massachusetts, 'flipping the bird' is considered a polite
salute. This gesture should
always be returned.
Thank You,
The Massachusetts Registrar of Motor Vehicles |
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ON THE LIGHTER SIDE (December 5,
2006) |
The Guys'
Rules.....
At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down. Finally,
the guys' side of the story.
We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here
are the rules from the male side. These are our rules! Please
note... these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!
1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put
it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us
complaining about you leaving it down.
1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the
tides. Let it be.
1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of
it that way.
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints
do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!
1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every
question.
1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it.
That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In
fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.
1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect
us to act like soap opera guys.
1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the
ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it
done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it
yourself.
1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during
commercials.
1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.
1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a
fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say nothing," we will act
like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not
worth the hassle.
1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an
answer you don't want to hear.
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is
fine...Really.
1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to
discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or monster
trucks.
1. You have enough clothes.
1. You have too many shoes.
1. I am in shape. Round is a shape.
1. Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the
couch
tonight; but did you know men really don't mind that? It's like
camping. |
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ON THE LIGHTER SIDE (November
28,
2006) |
Holiday Eating Tips
1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday
buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if
you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they're
serving rum balls.
2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. Like fine
single-malt scotch, it's rare. In fact, it's even rarer than
single-malt scotch. You can't find it any other time of year but
now. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every
sip? It's not as if you're going to turn into an eggnog-aholic
or something. It's a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have two.
It's later than you think. It's Christmas!
3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point
of gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano
out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the
volcano. Repeat.
4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim
milk or whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like
buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.
5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to
control your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas
party is to eat other people's food for free. Lots of it. Hello?
6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and
New Year's. You can do that in January when you have nothing
else to do. This is the time for long naps, which you'll need
after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate
of food and that vat of eggnog.
7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table,
like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa,
position yourself near them and don't budge. Have as many as you
can before becoming the centre of attention. They're like a
beautiful pair of shoes. If you leave them behind, you're never
going to see them again.
8. Same for pies. Apple. Pumpkin. Mincemeat. Have a slice of
each. Or, if you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and one
pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to have more
than one dessert? Labour Day?
9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with the
mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I
mean, have some standards.
10. One final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave the
party or get up from the table, you haven't been paying
attention. Reread tips; start over, but hurry, January is just
around the corner.
Remember this motto to live by:
"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the
intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved
body, but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand,
martini in the other, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out
and screaming "WOO HOO what a ride!"
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ON THE LIGHTER SIDE (November
21,
2006) |
GRANDPARENTS
After putting her grandchildren to bed, a grandmother changed into
old slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair. As
she heard the children getting more
and more rambunctious, her patience grew thin. At last she threw a
towel around her head and stormed into their room, putting them back
to bed with stern warnings. As she left the room, she heard
the three-year-old ask with a trembling voice, "Who was
THAT?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A mother was telling her little girl what her own childhood was
like: "We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made
from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our
pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods."
The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this in. At last she
said, "I sure wish I'd gotten to know you sooner!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, "Grandma, do
you know how you and God are alike?"!
I mentally polished my halo while I asked, "No, how are we
alike?"
"You're both old," he replied.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A little girl was diligently pounding away on her father's word
processor. She told him she was writing a story. "What's it
about?" he asked. "I don't know," she replied.
"I can't read."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I didn't know if my granddaughter had learned her colors yet, so I
decided to test her.
I would point out something and ask what color it was. She would
tell me, and always she was correct. But it was fun for me, so I
continued.
At last she headed for the door, saying sagely, "Grandma, I
think you should try to figure out some of these yourself!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A Sunday school class was studying the Ten Commandments. They were
ready to discuss the last one. The teacher asked if anyone could
tell her what it was.
Susie raised her hand, stood tall, and quoted, "Thou shall
not take the covers off thy neighbor's wife,"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Our five-year-old son Mark couldn't wait to tell his father about
the movie we had watched on television, "20,000 Leagues Under
the Sea."
The scenes with the submarine and the giant octopus had kept him
wide-eyed. In the middle of the telling, my husband interrupted
Mark, "What caused the submarine to sink?"
With a look of incredulity Mark replied, "Dad, it was the
20,000 leaks!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
When my grandson, Billy, and I entered our vacation cabin, we kept
the lights off until we were inside to keep from attracting pesky
insects. Still, a few fireflies followed us in.
Noticing them before I did, Billy whispered, "It's no use,
Grandpa. The mosquitoes are coming after us with flashlights."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
When my grandson asked me how old I was, I teasingly replied,
"I'm not sure."
"Look in your underwear, Grandma! ," he advised.
"Mine says I'm four."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A second grader came home from school and said to her mother,
"Mom, guess what? We learned how to make babies
today." The mother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep
her cool.
"That's interesting," she said, "How do you make
babies?"
"It's simple," replied the girl. "You just change
"y" to "i" and add 'es'."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Children's Logic
Give me a sentence about a public servant," said a teacher. The
small boy wrote: "The fireman came down the ladder
pregnant."
The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. "Don't you know
what pregnant means?" she asked.
"Sure," said the young boy confidently. "It
means carrying a child."
********************
A grandmother was surprised by her 7 year old grandson one morning.
He had made her coffee. She drank what was the worst cup of coffee
in her life. When she got to the bottom, there were three of those
little green army men in the cup.
She asked, "Honey, what are these army men doing in my
coffee?"
Her grandson answered, "Grandma, it says on TV - "The best
part of waking up is soldiers in your cup!"
**********************
Susie Sunshine asked her Sunday School class to draw pictures of
their favorite Bible stories. She was puzzled by Jimmie's picture
which showed four people on an airplane, so she asked him which
story it was meant to represent.
"The flight to Egypt." said Jimmy.
"I see, and that must be Mary, Joseph and Baby Jesus," Ms
Susie said. But who's this person?"
"Oh, that's Pontius - the Pilot."
************************
A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids
home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front
seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian. The children started
discussing the dog's duties.
"They use him to keep crowds back," said one youngster.
"No," said another, "he's just for good luck."
A third child brought the argument to a close. "They use the
dogs", she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrant.
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ON THE LIGHTER SIDE (November 7,
2006) |
I want to thank
all of you!
To all my friends and family, Thank you for making me safe, secure,
blessed, and wealthy by sending me your dumb chain letters over the
last year.
Because of your concern:
I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.
I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr Pepper since the people who make these
products are atheists who refuse to put "Under God"
on their cans.
I no longer drink anything out of a can because I will get sick from
the rat feces and urine.
I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes
cancer.
I no longer go to movies because I could sit on a needle infected
with AIDS.
I no longer check the coin return slot on pay phones because I could
get pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.
I no longer use cancer causing deodorants even though I smell like a
wet dog on a hot day.
I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a
perfume sample and try to rob me.
I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are
actually Al Quaida in disguise.
I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support
our American troops.
I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a
stupid number for which I will get the phone bill from hell with
calls to Uganda, Singapore, and Uzbekistan.
I no longer eat pre-packaged foods because the estrogens they
contain will turn me gay.
I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible
mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.
I no longer look at the opposite sex because they will take my
kidneys and leave me taking a nap in a bathtub full of ice.
I no longer have a cell phone because I don't want brain cancer.
I no longer have any sneakers because I would hate to see all those
poor kids in the sweat shops overseas suffering because I wanted a
pair of Nike shoes.
I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now
have their recipe.
I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels
looking out for me.
I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl about
to die in the hospital for the 1,000,000,000th time.
I no longer have any money but that will change once I receive the
$18,624 that Microsoft and AOL are sending me since I participated
in their special e-mail program.
I want to thank all of you soooooooo much for looking out for
me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Now if you DON'T send this e-mail to at least 12,000,000 of your
closest friends in the next 60 seconds a large bird with diarrhea
will crap on your head at exactly 5:00 pm tomorrow!!!!!!!!!
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Medical
terminology
The man told his doctor that he wasn't able to do all the things
around the house that he
used to do. When the examination was complete, he said, "Now,
Doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain English what is wrong with
me."
"Well, in plain English," the doctor replied, "you're
just lazy."
"Okay," said the man. "Now give me the medical term
so I can tell my wife."
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ON THE LIGHTER SIDE (October 31,
2006) |
Halloween
Humor....
Why do some cemeteries have a sign that reads 'One Way - Do Not
Enter' ?
Why do they put locks on cemetery gates?
Could it be that all those trick-or-treaters wearing sheets aren't
going as ghosts but as mattresses?
Why is it that we never see ghosts of lower life forms?
Is it true you can make a witch scratch by taking away her 'w'?
Do ghosts drink evaporated milk?
Do witches stay home on weekends or do they go away for a spell?
Do cemeteries have fences around them because people are dying to
get in?
Does a witch tell the time by looking at her witch watch?
If you take the circumference of your jack-o-lantern and divide it
by its diameter wouldn't you get Pumpkin Pi?
Why do ghosts usually appear just before someone screams?
Is the reason why kids sometimes dress up in Mommy's old clothes for
Halloween and not Daddy's because Daddies don't have any old
clothes? Aren't they still wearing them?
Just who is it that models for all those Halloween Masks?
Why aren't there any Halloween carols?
Why is it that nobody ever dresses up as Santa Claus on Halloween?
If skeletons had a beauty contest, would 'no body' win?
Does Dracula keep his wife awake all night because of his coffin?
How come ghosts can walk through walls, but don't fall through the
floor?
Why are there always more Twizzlers and Jawbreakers in
trick-or-treat bags than Butterfingers or Kit-Kats?
Why exactly did that witch have an oven in her gingerbread house?
Doesn't gingerbread burn easily? And what does she do when it rains?
Don't you think there are better building materials out there for
her to make her house out of?
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You Have all the
equipment....
A couple goes on vacation to a fishing resort in northern Minnesota.
The husband likes to fish at the crack of dawn. The wife likes to
read.
One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and
decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife
decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance,
anchors, and starts to read her book. Along comes a game warden in
his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, "Good
morning Ma'am. What are you doing?"
"Reading a book," she replies, (thinking "Isn't it
obvious?")
"You're in a restricted fishing area," he informs her.
"I'm sorry officer, but I'm not fishing, I'm reading."
"Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could
start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you
up."
"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual
assault," says the woman.
"But I haven't even touched you," says the game warden.
"That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know
you could start at any moment."
"Have a nice day ma'am," and he left.
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Watch out for them
Arkansas Women !
Three men recently married were sitting together bragging about how
they had given their new wives duties.
The first man had married a woman from Tennessee, and bragged that
he had told his wife she was going to do all the dishes and house
cleaning that needed done at their house. He said that
it took a couple days but on the third day he came home to a clean
house and the dishes were all washed and put away.
The second man had married a woman from Florida. He bragged
that he had given his wife orders that she was to do all the
cleaning, dishes, and the cooking. He told them that the first
day he didn't see any results, but the next day it was better.
By the third day, his house was clean, the dishes were done, and he
had a huge dinner on the table.
The third man said he had married an ARKANSAS girl. He boasted
that he told her that her duties were to keep the house cleaned,
dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed and hot meals on the table
for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything,
the second day he didn't see anything, but by the third day most of
the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left
eye. Enough to fix himself a bite to eat, load the dishwasher,
and telephone a landscaper.
Got to love them ARKANSAS girls especially the real healthy ones !
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ON THE LIGHTER SIDE (October 24,
2006) |
Several years ago, Andy was sentenced
to prison. During his stay, he got along well with the guards and
all his fellow inmates. The warden saw that deep down, Andy was a
good
person and made arrangements for Andy to learn a trade while doing
his time.
After 3 years, Andy was recognized as one of the best carpenters in
the local area. Often he would be given a weekend pass to do odd
jobs for the citizens of the community, and he always reported back
to prison before Sunday night was over.
The warden was thinking of remodeling his kitchen and in fact had
done much of the work himself. But he lacked the skills to build a
set of kitchen cupboards and a large counter top which he had
promised his wife. So he called Andy into his office and asked him
to complete the job for him.
But, alas, Andy refused.
He told the warden, ''Gosh, I'd really like to help you but counter
fitting is what got me into prison in the first place.''
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Seven Degrees of Being
Blonde.....
FIRST DEGREE A married couple were
asleep when the phone rang at two in the morning. The wife
(undoubtedly blonde) picked up the phone, listened a moment, and
said, "How should I know? That's 200 miles from here!" and
hung up. The husband said, "Who was that?" The wife said,
"I don't know, some woman wanting to know if the coast is
clear."
SECOND DEGREE Two blondes are walking
down the street. One notices a compact on the sidewalk and leans
down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror, and says,
"Hmm, this person looks familiar." The second blonde says,
"Here, let me see!" So the first blonde hands her the
compact. The second one looks in the mirror and says, "You
dummy, it's me!"
THIRD DEGREE A blonde suspects her
boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun. She
goes to his apartment unexpectedly, and when she opens the door, she
finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blonde is really
angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so,
she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her
head. The boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don't do it!!!" The
blonde replies, "Shut up, you're next!"
FOURTH DEGREE A blonde was bragging
about her knowledge of state capitals. She proudly says, "Go
ahead, ask me. I know all of them." A friend says, "OK,
what's the capital of Wisconsin?" The blonde replies, "Oh,
that's easy: W."
FIFTH DEGREE What did the blonde ask
her doctor when he told her she was pregnant? "Is it
mine?"
SIXTH DEGREE Bambi, a blonde in her
fourth year as a UCLA freshman, sat in her U.S. government class.
The professor asked Bambi if she knew what Roe vs. Wade was about.
Bambi pondered the question, then finally said, "That was the
decision George Washington had to make before he crossed the
Delaware."
SEVENTH DEGREE Returning home from
work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and
burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the
crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio, and a
K9 unit patrolling nearby was the first to respond. As the K9
officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran
out on the porch, but broke into tears at the sight of the cop and
his dog. When the cop asked her what was the matter, she moaned,
"I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the
police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND
policeman!"
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I planted some bird seed. A bird came
up. Now I don't know what to feed it.
I had amnesia once -- or twice.
I went to San Francisco. I found someone's heart. Now what?
Protons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic.
All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.
If the world was a logical place, men would ride horses sidesaddle.
What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?
They told me I was gullible ... and I believed them.
Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home and, when he
grows up, he'll never be able to merge his car onto a
freeway.
Two can live as cheaply as one, for half as long.
Experience is the thing you have left when everything else is gone.
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
One nice thing about egotists: They don't talk about other people.
When the only tool you own is a hammer, every problem begins to look
like a nail.
A flashlight is a case for holding
dead batteries.
What was the greatest thing before sliced bread? Hmmmm?
My weight is perfect for my height -- which varies.
I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.
The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.
How can there be self-help "groups"?
Is there another word for synonym?
Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?
The speed of time is one-second per second.
Is it possible to be totally partial?
What's another word for thesaurus?
Is Marx's tomb a communist plot?
If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?
Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, and I'll show you
a man who can't get his pants off.
It's not an optical illusion. It just looks like one.
Is it my imagination, or do buffalo wings taste like chicken?
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ON THE LIGHTER SIDE (October 17,
2006) |
DEAR ANN LANDERS:
I loved the letters you printed about misinterpreting the Lord's
Prayer. When my twin daughters were young, I taught them to
say this prayer before going to bed. As I listened outside
their door, I could hear them say, "Give us this steak
and daily bread, and forgive us our mattresses." My husband and
I always had a good laugh over this. That was over 50 years ago, and
the memory still remains in my heart.
From San Francisco: When I was a child, I learned this prayer as
"Our Father, who are in Heaven, Howard be thy name." I
always thought that was God's real name.
Groton, Mass. My mother spent her early childhood saying,
"Hail Mary, full of grapes."
Missoula, Mont. My son, who is in nursery school, said,
"Our Father, who art in Heaven, how didja know my name?"
Uniontown, Ohio I remember thinking this prayer was
"Give us this day our jelly bread."
Covina, Calif. I recall reading something years ago about the Pledge
of Allegiance. Some child thought it began, "I led the pigeons
to the flag."
Cleveland, Ohio When I was little, I often wondered who Richard
Stands was. You know: "I pledge allegiance to the flag.. and to
the republic for Richard Stands."
Schenectady, N.Y. I once knew a child whose favorite Sunday school
song was "Gladly, the Cross-Eyed Bear."
Tampa, Fla. When my husband was 6 years old, he thought a certain
prayer was "He suffered under a bunch of violets." The
real words were "under Pontius Pilate," but at that age,
he didn't know better. To this day, we still snicker in church
whenever that prayer is read.
Lake Forest Park, Wash. When I was a little girl, we sang a song in
Sunday school about Noah. Part of the chorus was "And the rains
came down, and the floods came up." We lived next door to a
couple of charming little girls who always sang this song while
playing in their garden. Their words were, "And the rains came
down, and the spuds came up."
Oak Harbor, Wash. When my older brother was very young, he always
walked up to the church altar with my mother when she took
communion. On one occasion, he tugged at
her arm and asked, "What does the priest say when he gives you
the bread?" Mom whispered something in his ear. Imagine his
shock many years later when he learned
that the priest doesn't say, "Be quiet until you get to your
seat."
Grand Junction, Colo. When I was younger, I believed the line was
"Lead a snot into temptation." I thought I was praying for
my little sister to get into trouble.
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The Mommy
Test.....
I was out walking with my then 4 year old daughter. She picked up
something off the ground and started to put it in her mouth. I asked
her not to do that. "Why? "Because it's been laying
outside and it is dirty and probably has germs."
At this point, she looked at me with total admiration and asked,
"Wow!
How do you know all this stuff?"
"Uh," I was thinking quickly, "...all moms knows this
stuff. Um, it's on the Mommy Test. You have to know it, or they
don't let you be a Mommy."
We walked along in silence for 2 or 3 minutes, but she was evidently
pondering this new information. "OH...I get It!" she
beamed. "So if you flunk, you have to be the Daddy."
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Retired People
Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make
their days interesting. I went to the library the other day. I was
only in there for about 5 minutes. When I came out there was a city
cop writing out a parking ticket.
I went up to him and said, "Come on, buddy, how about giving a
senior a break?" He ignored me and continued writing the
ticket. I called him a name. He glared at me and started writing
another ticket for having worn tires. So I called him a worse name.
He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the
first. Then he started writing a third ticket.
This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I abused him the more
tickets he wrote. I didn't care. My car was parked around the corner
and this one had an "Elect Bush!" bumper sticker on it.
I try to have a little fun each day now that I'm retired. It's
important at our age.
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ON THE LIGHTER SIDE (October 10,
2006) |
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Joys of Jogging
1. For every mile you jog, you add one minute to your life.
This enables you, at the age of 85, to spend an additional five
months in a nursing home at $5,000/month
2. The only reason I took up jogging was to hear heavy breathing
again
3. I joined a health club last year, spending $400 in the process.
I haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to show up
4. I have to exercise early in the morning, before my brain figures
out what I'm doing
5. I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who
annoy me
6. The advantage to exercising every day is that you die healthier
7. I have flabby thighs but fortunately my stomach covers them
8. If you are going to take up cross-country skiing, it helps to
start with a small country
9. I don't jog; it makes me spill my milk shake
10. Actually, I don't exercise at all. If we were meant to
touch our toes, we would have them farther up on our body
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The Millionaire....
This young lady was on "The Millionaire" show and
was doing well until she got to the last question.
The question was, "Which bird
does not build it's own nest, but instead lays its
eggs in the nests of other birds?
Is it, (A) the condor, (B)
the buzzard, (C) the cuckoo, or (D) the vulture?"
The woman was on the spot. She did
not know the answer. She had used up her 50/50 Lifeline and
her audience poll lifeline. All that remained was her
phone-a-friend lifeline. The woman's only friend
that would be home was Jenny, a blonde. She
called Jenny, gave her the question and the four choices.
The blonde responded unhesitatingly: "The answer is (C):
The cuckoo."
The contestant had to make a
decision and make it fast. She considered employing a
reverse strategy by giving Regis any answer except the one that
her friend had given her. And considering that her friend
was a blonde, that would seem to be the logical thing
to do. On the other hand, the blonde had responded with
such confidence, such certainty,
that the contestant could not help but be persuaded.
"I need an answer," said
Regis.
Crossing her fingers, the
contestant said, "C: The cuckoo."
"Is that your final
answer?" asked Regis.
"Yes, that is my final
answer."
Regis said, "I regret to
inform you that the answer is........absolutely correct.
You are now a millionaire!"
Three days later, the contestant
hosted a party for her family and friends, including
the blonde who had helped her win the million dollars. "Jenny,
I just do not know how to thank you," said the contestant. "Because of
you, I am now a millionaire. It was your
certainty that convinced me to go with your choice. How did
you know the right answer?"
"Oh, come on," said the
blonde. "Everybody knows that cuckoos don't build nests.
They live in clocks!"
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Groaners...
1. How Do You Catch a Unique Rabbit? Unique Up On It.
2. How Do You Catch a Tame Rabbit? Tame Way, Unique Up On It.
3. How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest? They Take
The Psycho Path
4. How Do You Get Holy Water? You Boil The Hell
Out Of It.
5. What Do Fish Say When They Hit a Concrete Wall? Dam!
6. What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice too Long?
Polaroid's
7. What Do You Call a Boomerang That Doesn't work? A Stick
8.. What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours? Nacho
Cheese
9.. What Do You Call Santa's Helpers? Subordinate
Clauses.
10. What Do You Call Four Bullfighters In Quicksand? Quattro
Sinko..
11. What Do You Get From a Pampered Cow? Spoiled Milk.
12. What Do You Get When You Cross a Snowman With a Vampire?
Frostbite.
13. What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And Twitches? A
Nervous Wreck.
14. What's The Difference Between Roast Beef And Pea Soup? Anyone
Can Roast Beef.
15. Where Do You Find a Dog With No Legs? Right Where
You Left Him.
16. Why Do Gorillas Have Big Nostrils? Because They Have
Big Fingers.
17. Why Don't Blind People Like To Sky Dive? Because It
Scares The Dog.
18. What Kind Of Coffee Was Served On The Titanic? Sanka.
19. What Is The Difference Between a Harley And a Hoover?
The Location
Of The Dirt Bag.
20. Why Did Pilgrims' Pants Always Fall Down? Because
They Wore Their
Belt Buckle On Their Hat.
21. What's The Difference Between a Bad Golfer And a Bad Skydiver? A
Bad Golfer Goes, Whack, Dang! A Bad
Skydiver Goes Dang! Whack.
22. How Are a Texas Tornado And a Tennessee Divorce The Same?
Somebody's Gonna Lose A Trailer
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ON THE LIGHTER SIDE - (October
3, 2006) |
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Quick
Fixes....
One weekend my friend, a nurse, was looking after her six-year-old
nephew when he fell off a playground slide and hit his head. Worried
that he might have a concussion, she checked him all night. Every
hour, she'd gently shake him and ask, "What's your name?"
Soon, he began moaning in protest each time she entered the room.
When she went in at 5 A.M., she found something white on his
forehead. Leaning close, she saw a crayon-scrawled message taped to
his forehead. It read, "My name is Daniel."
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The bank manager noticed the new clerk was not very good at counting
money and adding up figures.
"Where did you get your finance education?" he asked.
"Yale," replied the lad.
"And what's your name?" barked the manager.
"Yim Yohnston," he replied.
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Our minister announced that the cost to attend a special church
social event would be six dollars per person. "However, if
you're over 65," he said, " the price will be only
$5.50."
From the back of the congregation, a woman's voice rang out,
"Do you
really think I'd give you that information for only 50 cents?"
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One may have good eyes and yet see nothing.
-- Italian Proverb
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Job
Applicant...
An applicant was filling out a job application. When he came
to the question, "Have you ever been arrested?" he wrote,
"No."
The next question, intended for people who had answered in the
affirmative to the previous question, was "Why?"
The applicant answered it anyway: "Never got caught."
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PONDER THESE!!!!!
Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think
I'll
squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes
out?"
Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a
horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about
him?
If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of
coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?
Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're
both dogs!
What do you call male ballerinas?
If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from
vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Is Disney World the only people trap operated by a mouse?
Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the
same tune?
Stop singing and read on . . . . . .. . . . .
Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad
at
you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the
window?
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