One year a husband decided to buy his mother-in-law a Cemetery plot as a Christmas gift. The next year he didn’t buy her a gift. When she asked him why, he replied, "Well, you still haven’t used the gift I bought you last year!"

Question: What's red and white and gives presents to good little fish on Christmas?
Answer: Sandy Claws.

Santa Claus?
Answer: Claustrophobic.

Christmas?
Answer: She said "I could not work out what size her nose was!

Question: What was so good about he neurotic doll the girl was given for Christmas?
Answer: It was wound up already.

I wanna tell you what kind of luck I've got. If this year I cornered the mistletoe market, they'd postpone Christmas.

Christmas is the time when everyone gets Santamental.

I bought my friend some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the gift-wrap counter and told them to wrap it, but in different paper, so he'd know when to stop unwrapping.

There was a business woman driving home on a hot day down this country road when she spotted a little boy that had a lemonade stand. Since she was thirsty, she decided to stop. Once she got up to the little boy's stand, she noticed a sign that said, "All you can drink 55 cents".

Although she thought it was an awfully small glass, she decided to get some anyway, since it was only 55 cents for all you can drink. She gave the boy two quarters and a nickel, and shot down the whole glass in one swallow.

Slapping the small glass back onto the table, she says, "Fill 'er up!"

Without blinking, the kid replies, "Sure thing, that'll be 55 cents."

Surprised, the irritated business woman sputters, "but your sign says all you can drink for 55 cents."

"It is," the innocent little boy replies without hesitation, "That is all you can drink for 55 cents."

A businessman walks into a bank in San Francisco and asks for the loan officer. He says he is going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for such a loan.

So the businessman hands over the keys to a Rolls Royce parked on the street in front of the bank. Everything checks out, and the bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. An employee drives the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it there. Two weeks later, the businessman returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41. The loan officer says, "We are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is why would you bother to borrow $5,000?" The businessman replied, "Where else in San Francisco can I park my car for two weeks for $15 bucks?"

A ten-year-old boy was failing math. His parents tried everything from tutors to hypnosis, but with no success. Finally, at the urging of a family friend, they decided to enroll their son in a private school highly regarded for its high moral standards and focus on supporting loving families. After the first day, the boy's parents were surprised when he walked in after school with a stern, focused and very determined expression on his face. He went straight past them, right to his room and quietly closed the door. For nearly two hours he toiled away in his room - with math books strewn about his desk and the surrounding floor. He emerged long enough to eat, and after quickly cleaning his plate, went straight back to his room, closed the door and worked feverishly at his studies until bedtime. This pattern of behavior continued until it was time for the first quarter's report card. The boy walked in with it unopened - laid it on the dinner table and went straight to his room. Cautiously, his mother opened it and, to her amazement, she saw a large red 'A' under the subject of Math. Overjoyed, she and her husband rushed into their son's room, thrilled at his remarkable progress.

"Was it the nuns that did it?" the father asked. The boy shook his head and said, "No."

Stumpy and his wife Martha went to the Country Fair every year. Every year, Stumpy would say, "Martha, I’d like to ride in that there air plane."

Three guys were enjoying a relaxing day of fishing when out of the blue, they catch a mermaid who begs to be set free in return for granting each of them a wish.

One of the guys just doesn’t believe it, and says, "Okay, if you can really grant wishes, then double my I.Q."

The mermaid said, "Done."

Suddenly, the guy started reciting Shakespeare flawlessly, and analysed what he had recited with great insight.

The second guy was so amazed that he told the mermaid to triple his I.Q.

In an instant the second guy started spouting solutions to problems that have been stumping all the great scientists of the world.

The last guy was so enthralled with the changes in his friends that he turned to the mermaid and said, "Qintuple my I.Q."

The mermaid looked at him and said, "You know, I normally don’t try to change people’s minds when they make a wish, but I really think you should reconsider."

The guy said, "Nope, I want you to multiple my I.Q. times five, and if you don’t I won’t set you free."

"Please," the mermaid said. "You don’t know what you’re asking! It’ll change your entire view on the universe. Won’t you ask for something else, like a million dollars or anything?

But no matter what the mermaid said, the guy insisted on having his I.Q. increased to five times its usual power.

Finally, the mermaid sighed and said, "Done."

And the third guy turned into a woman.

The notorious cheapskate finally decide to have a Christmas party. Explaining to a friend how to find his apartment, he said, "Come up to room 319 and ring the doorbell with your elbow. When the door opens, push with your foot."

"Why do I have to use my elbow and foot?" asked the friend.

"Well, gosh," was the reply, "You’re not coming empty-handed, are you?"

In the early morning hours the young woman heard a tapping on her bedroom window. There on a ladder was her boyfriend. Their elopement was going according to plan. "Are you ready?", he asked.

"Yes," answered the woman. "But don’t talk so loud. You might wake my father up."

"Wake him up? Who do you think is holding the ladder."

There once was a country family which followed a tradition of naming all babies within an hour of their birth. One day a member of that family was rushed to the hospital, where she gave birth to twins. At the same time, her husband was rushed to the hospital unconscious with a head injury received when he fell off his tractor. When the man came to, he was informed that his wife had given birth to a boy and girl two hours before, and his brother had given them names.

"Oh, no, not my brother," groaned the man. "He’s such a practical joker. What did he name them?"

"He named the girl Denise," replied the nurse.

"Oh, I like that name," said the man, obviously relieved. "What did he name the boy?"

"Denephew."

Yard Sale Logic

One Saturday my wife came back from yet another yard sale with an armful of packages and a big smile. She began explaining each bargain to me. Finally, she held up a pair of olive-drab slacks, declaring proudly, "I paid only fifty cents for these."

I did a double take. "But aren’t those the same pants you sold for one dollar at our yard sale last year?"

"Yes," she admitted with a giggle. "But this year they fit me, and I’m fifty cents ahead!"

A mother saw her three-year-old son put a nickel into his mouth and swallow it. She immediately picked him up, turned him upside down and hit him on the back, whereupon he coughed up two dimes. Frantic, she called to the father outside, "Your son just swallowed a nickel and coughed up two dimes! What should I do?

Yelled back the father, "Keep feeding him nickels!"

A six-year old girl showed her mother a picture of a fat cat she had drawn. She told her mom that the cat was going to have kittens, then promptly outlined in pencil, four very small kittens inside the cat’s body. The mother, seizing an opportunity to perhaps initiate a discussion about reproduction asked, "Do you know how they got there?’

Looking seriously at her mother, the little girl answered, "Of course I know. I drew them."

A preacher wrote on the blackboard: "I pray for all."

A lawyer wrote underneath: "I plead for all."

A doctor added: "I prescribe for all."

An ordinary passerby came along and muttered: "I pay for it all!"

Two young women met a frog on the street.

"Kiss me," the frog said, "and I’ll turn into an independent, wealthy oilman."

One of the women picked him up and put him in her purse.

"Aren’t you going to kiss him?" the other asked.

"No. A talking frog is really worth something."

A psychiatrist was treating a man whose complaint was that baseball had become an obsession. "It’s so bad I can’t sleep. I no sooner close my eyes than I’m out on the pitcher’s mound or running around the bases. I wake up more exhausted than I was when I went to bed. What can I do?"

"Why don’t you try dreaming of a beautiful girl in your arms," said the doctor.

"Are you crazy? And lose my turn at bat?"

When the avid golfer arrived in Hades, he was overjoyed to find himself on the most beautiful golf course he’d ever seen. Grabbing a complete set of top-line pro clubs sitting next to the first tee, he gleefully asked Satan, "Where are the golf balls?"

Replied his host with a leer, "There isn’t a single one in the whole place - that’s the hell of it!"

A Silly Question

An elderly farmer was brought into the hospital because he appeared confused and was thought to have had a stroke. Attempting to assess his mental state, the doctor asked, "If you have a hundred sheep in a pasture and seven escape, how many will be left?"

"Zero," replied the farmer.

"No, the answer is ninety-three," said the doctor.

"Fella," the farmer replied, "You don’t know nothin’ about sheep. When one of them dumb critters decides to go, they all go."

"Your honour," the accused hit-and-run driver’s lawyer pleaded, "That pedestrian who was injured must have been careless. My client is an experienced driver of more than twenty years!"

"If experience is the issue here," the other attorney countered, "my client has been walking for over fifty years."

A mother had taken her three-year-old daughter to the supermarket one hot summer day. An attractive young black woman in a brightly coloured flowered dress was pushing her basket in the opposite direction and they kept passing each other as they turned up each aisle. The little girl had never seen a black person and her eyes sparkled with interest. The girl’s mother was beginning to feel uncomfortable, wondering how the black lady must feel being starred at by her daughter.

When they both reached the checkout the young woman was in front of the mother and her daughter when the little girl asked inquisitively , "Mommy?" When the mother tried to avoid the obvious, the little girl said again, "Mommy?"

Then in a whisper, the girl said, "Mommy? Isn’t it a pretty dress that lady’s wearing."

"How did you lose your job at the clothing store?" a woman asked her friend.

"Well, after trying on about twenty-five dresses, this one fussy rich lady said to me, "I think I’d look nicer in something flowing."

The friend replied, "I just looked at her and told her to try the French River."

"Congratulations," said a voice on the telephone. "You have just won the grand prize of a million dollars on your lottery ticket. Are you happy."

"Deliriously happy!" exclaimed the winner.

"And what is the first thing you are going to do?" asked the voice.

"Tell my friends it wasn’t me."

An American, a Scot and a Canadian were killed in a car accident. They arrived at the gates of heaven, where a flustered Saint Peter explained that there had been a mistake. "Give me $500 each," he said, "and I’ll return you to earth as if the whole thing never happened."

"Done!" said the American. Instantly he found himself standing unhurt near the scene.

"Where are the others?" a medic asked.

"Last I knew," said the American, "the Scot was haggling price, and the Canadian was arguing that his government should pay."

Jones applied to a finance agency for a job, but he had no experience. He was so intense that that manager gave him a tough account with the promise that if he collected it, he’d get the job. Two hours later, Jones came back with the whole amount. "Amazing!" the manager said. "How did you do it?"

"Easy," Jones replied. "I told him if he didn’t pay up, I’d tell all his other creditors he paid us."

The miserly millionaire called a family conference. "I’m placing a box of money in the attic," he said. "When I die, I intend to grab it on my way up to heaven. See to it that no one touches it until it’s my time to go."

The family respected his wishes. After his death the millionaire’s wife looked in the attic. The box was still there. "The fool!" she said. "I told him he should have put it in the basement."

A Japanese company and an American company had a boat race, and the Japanese won by a kilometre. The Americans hired analysts to figure out what went wrong. They reported that the Japanese had one person managing and seven rowing, while the Americans had seven managing and only one rowing. The American company immediately restructured its team. Now they had one senior manager, six management consultants and one rower.

In the rematch the Japanese won by two kilometres. So the American company fired the rower.

The manager of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computers. He dialled the employee’s home phone number and was greeted with a child’s whispered, "Hello?"

Feeling put out at the inconvenience of having to talk to a youngster, the manager asked, "Is your daddy home?"

"Yes", whispered the small voice.

"May I talk with him?" the man asked.

To the surprise of the manager, the small voice whispered, "No."

Wanting to talk with an adult, the manager asked, "Is your mommy there."

"Yes," came the answer.

"May I talk with her?"

Again the small voice whispered, "No."

Knowing that it was not likely that a young child would be left home alone, the manager decided he would just leave a message with the person who should be there watching over the child. "Is there any one there besides you?" the manager asked.

"Yes," whispered the child, "a policeman."

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee’s home, the manager asked, "May I speak with the policeman?"

"No, he’s busy," whispered the child.

"Busy doing what?" asked the manager.

"Talking to Mommy and Daddy and the Fireman," came the whispered answer.

Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the earpiece on the phone, the manager asked, "What is that noise?"

"A hello-copper," answered the whispering voice.

"What is going on there?" asked the manager, now very alarmed.

In an awed whispering voice the child answered, "The search team just landed the hello-copper."

Alarmed, concerned and more than just a little frustrated, the manager asked, "What are they searching for?"

Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled giggle, "Me."

The following is an article which may help dog-owners better understand their pets. It is the text of a secret document which was discovered by accident inside the walls of an old dog house and appears to have been something which was widely distributed in dog circles. Is your dog playing mind games with your? You decide!